All is Well...But! One last thing...

The people to fear are not those 

who disagree with you , 

but those who disagree with you 

and are too cowardly to let you know.  

-- Napoleon Bonaparte

It has come to my attention through the grapevine (I have lunch with my sister once a week, in case you want to know what constitutes a grapevine in this scenario) that my parents are worried about me, and more specifically, about my testimony. You know, it's a result of that last post. The one I said I didn't want to write? Well, why do you think I didn't want to write it? 

Because as a Mormon, when you write posts about stuff like that, your parents get worried.

So now I guess I'll write another post, so that they can hear through the grapevine (in this case the grapevine being the internet, on which they obviously do read my blog...thanks for reading, btw!) that they should Stop. Worrying. Please.

Fat chance of that, I know, because as Mormon parents it's their job to worry about their children's testimonies. But I'll put it out there anyway, for what it's worth. (And then go back to worrying about my own children's testimonies.)

The thing is, and I said it in my very first post when I opened up this overflow to begin with: 

...when I question, wonder, chafe or complain, be assured that it's not because I'm in the process of leaving. It's because I'm in the process of staying.

Why would I be working so hard to make a place for myself here, to get more comfortable, to find increased peace and make a greater effort to share what I have to offer, if I didn't care? Or if I weren't committed to all of it? I'm putting my love and my effort and my heart into building something right here where I'm sitting. Not only that, I'm trying to encourage others to sit down with me.

Besides that, in my entire lifetime, I've never once just not shown up to perform my callings. (And like everyone else, I've had a few thankless ones.) So Mom, Dad, and Everyone: relax. You're not going to get rid of me that easily.

But I do feel strongly about things, and about things relating to last week's aforementioned difficulties. I feel sad about it. I think mistakes were made on both sides. And let me pause here to say that I also think it's perfectly okay for me to say that I think mistakes were made on BOTH sides. We can acknowledge mistakes made by the church, its members, and its leaders too. 

I think President Uchtdorf actually acknowledged that in the same talk I referenced in my last post. I think the church has done it recently too, in some of the Gospel Topics essays it has published. So it's okay. 

The church is an imperfect vehicle for trying to do perfect things. There's a disconnect inherent in that somewhere. Sometimes the wheels come off...which means it's bound to fall down now and then. And it's okay to feel sad when that happens, or mad, or disappointed, or confused, or anything else that you (or I) may feel about it. And to say so, if we're the type of person who needs help working through it.

And now we've gotten to what is my biggest concern about the whole sordid affair. I've seen and heard an awful lot of "About time they kicked people like that out!" going on. Also, "If they don't like it, they should leave!" Which makes me wonder if those folks have been hearing the same gospel messages at church that I have all my life. Because that kind of talk bewilders me. Any excommunication represents a sadness, a loss, a failing somewhere along the line by one side or by both, and a domino effect. 

It is bigger than the one. This is literally, and figuratively, a family affair. And we're all the family.

Worse still, when we hear things like that, it galvanizes the fear mechanism that leaves people like me feeling unsafe in expressing our future doubts, needs, beliefs or concerns. Now if that was the desired consequence of the action to begin with -- if the Church indeed intended to send a silencing message by taking orchestrated action against these members -- well then let me say publicly right here that I have some real difficulty I'll need to work through surrounding that.

(Which is perfectly acceptable! Stop hyperventilating! Breathe...) 

I think doctrinal questions stir up strong, defensive emotions in people. So when someone attacks our doctrine, we immediately throw up our guard. That's fine and good, defending what's sacred to us. But when this current kind of finger-pointing atmosphere starts to brew, suddenly policy and doctrine can start to feel blurred and questioning ANYTHING is construed by some people as being heretical. That's just plain silly.

I feel that, as a church, we have a relatively slim volume of concrete doctrine. Accompanied by a mighty tome of policy that has grown up as a result of said doctrine, but more often culture, pragmatism, tradition, a response to inside and outside challenges and forces, logistics, etc. Our policy changes all the time. And there is a tremendous amount of room there to make an infinity of future changes that can improve things and ease the sticking points around our sacred doctrine. Women praying in General Conference is a prime example of that. Or the Priesthood Session being broadcast to all. 

I hope people will keep calling out possible changes to policy that they feel would be beneficial, and I hope the Church will keep listening. There should be a large and always-open suggestion box. Why not utilize all of our great minds?

There's not a single General Authority who has ever been a Young Women's leader. But I worry that if, for instance, I were to point out some of the things I've been thinking about that I feel could use reexamining with regard to the inequities in our programs for Young Women vs.Young Men, in this current climate I would probably get slapped down with "If the Lord wants the policies changed, He will change them!" Not by leaders in high places, they would probably be interested to hear ideas if we were sitting across the table enjoying lunch...but rather by the people sitting next to me on the pew.

As with most things, I think the Lord expects us to figure that stuff out and do it for ourselves. We don't need to be commanded in every little thing. Just the big ones. And we can talk about a million of the little things without ever touching those. 

Most importantly -- all of that talk should not constitute a challenge to your testimony, nor should it be viewed as a reflection of mine.

I have a number of social media friends who report having been called in to their Bishop's office as a result of something a ward member has seen them post online. Really? You mean like a BYU Honor Code violation? 

In real grown-up life? Really?! That worries me on just about every level. I'm not one to wax overly patriotic, but we can back up and just begin with free speech, if we don't want to get into religion.

I don't think the entire Church needs to become a Jr. High as a result of any of this. So if we're considering moving that direction, please let's not.

I'm all for letting the healing begin from this divisive chapter, and figuring out productive, strengthening ways forward. "Agree to disagree" is a place that I'm very used to inhabiting, and a place in which I'm quite comfortable. (Probably a result of growing up a Democrat in a Republican church, for starters.) Some of my best friends are people I don't see eye-to-eye with on just about every topic. And who cares?

We show up together on Sunday because somewhere, underneath all the noisy disagreeing, we're standing on a little piece of sacred, common ground together. And that's enough for me. 

So yes, I'll see you Sunday. 
(Whoever gets there first, save a spot.)

- S.